My Ultimate List of Reasons I Love Having Children

Becoming a Dad was one of the most incredible experiences I’ve had in my life, you know, other than having sex with their Mom(s).

When my first son was born, I thought “Man, I should really get my shit together, I’m a Dad now.” I thought about buckling down, going to law school, that kind of stuff. Then when I talked to some lawyers, I found out that I make more money than them, and I barely graduated high school.

So, anyway. Enough of that nonsense. Here’s my incredibly insightful list of why I love having kids in my life.

  • Totally tired of all that cool stuff I had collected over the years. When the kids came along, anything that we didn’t move up out of the way was either broken, fed to the dog, or flushed down the toilet.
  • Tired of all that sex with my wife. The lady was an insatiable minx, I never got any sleep. Kids came along and boom, Daddy can grab a few winks.
  • Bags of money laying around the house was embarrassing. When we were without children, a great portion of my time was spent on the phone running my consulting company. I really wasn’t prepared to be that financially successful, so I just opened a few bank accounts because you know “individual depositors are safe up to $100k” or some shit. Kids came along, no worries about too much money.
  • Having a nice car made me uncomfortable around the Hoi polloi. Now I have modern art on the headliner of my Volvo (It’s turbo charged and has balls so stop that bullshit giggle) that was created using apple sauce and a Sharpie, and there are cracker crumbs and robot heads stuck in all the crevices. Problem solved, big time.
  • We traveled way to light. Being able to throw a few things in a bag and zip off for the weekend is total bullshit. Now we pack out like Blink 182 going on the road for their 2019 Enema of the State 20th Anniversary tour. It’s awesome.
  • Free time. It was incredibly difficult to fill all the time in my life. I mean you can only read so many books and lay by a pool for so long before you think “Is this really all there is?” Now I hide in the pantry to get 5 minutes to myself and crush a pack of organic gummy worms. Meh.

Honestly, it’s all good though. I have three awesome kids and love every bit of being a Dad. Even when I’m sitting in my office snacking on some tasty California Pistachios, and my daughter yells from the kitchen using her special Daddy Tone, to ask “Are you eating with your mouth open or closed!!

Ah, my job is nearing completion. She will make someone a great wife someday.